Talk:Shovel Knight Showdown

This review is transcluded from Talk:Shovel Knight Showdown/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Vrxces (talk · contribs) 00:50, 31 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I'll take this one on. Looks concise, compliant with the MOS and well organised and written. I'll post any comments shortly. ＶＲＸＣＥＳ (talk) 00:50, 31 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Index

* This is an issue I think is directly relevant to the GAN.
  This is an issue I think is indirectly relevant, but worth addressing.
? This is just a personal preference or comment that could help.

Summary

The article is well written and has few real issues. It could do with a copyedit and I've put some suggestions below that you may like to consider.

Many of the suggestions aren't wildly necessary to the GAN process and are fairly superficial improvements. Please don't feel obliged to action these ones and you're welcome to consider them after the nomation process.

Suggestions

  You may like to include the year of release in the headline.

Done

  The headline's summary for the single-player mode could be better explained, particularly given it alludes to a negative response.

I added a few more details. Anything in particular that you think should be elaborated on?

* Is there a better source of attribution for the Showdown cover than the Fandom page? It's obvious the art does not originate from Fandom.

The real source for it was the press kit I believe, added a link to there

* The gameplay section suggests the single-player mode contains a narrative element. Really recommend expanding this to a 'Plot' section after the 'Gameplay' section if this is a notable feature of the mode. As per MOS:PLOTSOURCE, this doesn't have to be sourced.

The problem is there really isn't much of a plot. Just the narrative introduction, one short cutscene apiece for each character, and then the final boss. There used to be a plot section for this game back on Shovel Knight, but there was so little to work with without putting in cruft for each of the cutscenes. Some reviewers even noted that the story was very weak.

? The article's could take a shorter and more direct approach to prose. Examples include directly listing items "X, Y and Z" rather than stating that they "range from X to Y", which is an odd framing.

Could you give me an example on how to do this? I want to make sure I get the framing write so I can improve in the future

No problems. Some random thoughts below - let me know if this wasn't quite what you wanted feedback on and happy to chat -

• The range from X to Y framing is awkward because it's repeated in the text. I think a range implies a spectrum where other unmentioned things may be incorporated. Playable characters include X, Y, and Z, or The game features an X mode and a Y mode makes it clearer that those are the only examples in the list.

• Lead-in fragments to sentences, i.e. As part of the Kickstarter... are fine but their overuse, particularly when they start paragraphs, can drag on. I think the most common strategy is to use active voice i.e. leading a sentence with the actor and then describing what they did i.e. The developers introduced X rather than X was introduced by the developers.

• In shorter articles, paragraphs should probably be self-contained with topic sentences, which you've already mostly done. Sometimes this can just involve making sure that the opening sentence doesn't contain pronouns for persons or concepts defined earlier, like when you get those paragraphs that start with He instead of naming the person again.

• That said, flow in paragraphs often requires minimizing repetition. The reception section has an identical sentence structure for every paragraph, giving it a X said this, Y said that, Z said this tone. Sometimes combining sentences with similar concepts can help, or adding detail to elongate sentences. In many cases, where critics are likely to say the same things about the game, you might like to cluster citations, rather than finding a unique thing every critic said. But you've excellently thematically grouped the comments anyway, which is a cut above most articles.

? The grammar pedant in me wonders if many paragraphs could not start on a preposition or passive voice. For instance, 'between' and 'in addition to the multiplayer gameplay' could easily be removed.

I reworded and removed a few of these

? I don't mind at all but I've found in my own GANs that some editors prefer the content of review sources being written or expressed instead of said. I get there's only so many verbs to go around!

Tried changing a few of the verbs to help out.

? dissuaded him - if the review is attributed to the publication and not the author, best to take a neutral approach to the pronouns.

Reworded