Wikipedia:The first rule of Wikipedia

This is a humorous essay. It contains the advice or opinions of one or more Wikipedia contributors and is made to be humorous. This page is not one of Wikipedia's policies or guidelines, as it has not been thoroughly vetted by the community. Some essays represent widespread norms; others only represent minority viewpoints. This essay isn't meant to be taken seriously.

Shortcuts WP:FIGHT WP:FIRSTRULE

This is a decree by the Supreme Cabal Regime of the English Wikipedia (SCREW). It expresses opinions and ideas that are absolutely and irrefutably true whether you like them or not. Changes to it must reflect the wishes of the Supreme Cabal. When in doubt, please ignore the talk page and just keep reverting.

This page in a nutshell: What happens on Wikipedia, stays on Wikipedia.

1. The first rule of Wikipedia is: You do not talk about Wikipedia.
2. The second rule of Wikipedia is: You do not talk about Wikipedia.
3. The third rule of Wikipedia is: Don't go talkin' 'bout Wikipedia.^[1]
4. The fourth rule of Wikipedia is: You do not reference fight club on Wikipedia, as it will get you kicked out of ... never mind.
5. The fifth rule of Wikipedia is: You can not talk about Wikipedia when editing Wikipedia.
6. The sixth rule of Wikipedia is: There is no rule six.
7. The seventh rule of Wikipedia is: Do not look at Wikipedia and touch your leg while eating a pancake with apples, nuts, and berries.
8. The eighth rule of Wikipedia is: Do not look at Wikipedia.
9. The ninth rule of Wikipedia is: Do not think about Wikipedia.
10. The two one quintillion two hundred eleven quadrillion three hundred thirty trillion ninety-five billion seven hundred seventy-four million five hundred fifty-five thousand six hundred sixty-second rule of Wikipedia is: The actual spelling of Wikipedia is: Incomprehensibilities.

While it is fine to recruit sane, reasonable people to become Wikipedians, one must remember that Wikipedia is intensely addictive and talking about all the fun disputes you've been having, people you've been oppressing, and general mayhem you've enjoyed as a Wikipedian may cause them to spontaneously attempt to join in.

Unfortunately, new users, including those with a numeric moniker, diving in to join in the fun other people are having tend to stick out like sore thumbs and will promptly be labeled as your evil sock minions and end up not having any fun at all. This is especially true when they play with the revert button, take up arms on your side, and attack your enemies. While this may seem very pleasant from one point of view, it reflects badly on you, and is detrimental to the long-term health of these well-intentioned newbies.

As a result, the Supreme Cabal Regime of the English Wikipedia (SCREW) has decreed that new users should be treated in the following fashion:

(A) Pleasantly invited to join.

(B) Given tea and scones.

(C) Provided with copies of the 5 Pillars and other introductory readings.

(D) Vigorously inducted into the Cabal using arcane incantations like RESCIVN-PATHOR or ATTANIFRTHOARB.

(...)

(Ω) Promoted to Rouge Admin after a suitable period of time.

Only by following this complicated and necessary task can new users be properly certified by the cabal and made in to productive abusers of the Five Pillars of Evil.