User:Yomangan/A bastard's guide to writing a featured article

If an editor who looks like Dick Dastardly suggests a collaboration, be careful. They didn't get a face like that from smiling at kittens, whatever the scientists say. They've probably read this guide and are planning to make off with your article.

There's a lot of advice in various essays and guidelines on how to get an article to FA, but most of it suggests stupid things like researching your subject, organising your article, writing "professional" prose, reviewing your sources, checking that your article is comprehensive, and asking others to review your work. This is all nonsense and quite unnecessary. There are many articles just waiting to become FAs. Instead of organising and researching, you need to be sneaking around and plotting.

Much of the so-called advice also suggests collaboration. This is actually a good idea: a collaborator is a type of workhorse. Let them collaborate your article up to FA standard and then dispose of them. After a war, collaborators are usually shot. This is perhaps a little extreme on Wikipedia (you may need them again), but there is no need to pretend you owe them anything.