This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article earned Good article status earlier this year and is the main article to the Halo trilogy Featured topic. User:David Fuchs and I have been expanding and copy editing it to prepare it for FAC, and would like some outside input to improve the article's chances of passing. Any comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Guyinblack25 talk 19:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Ruhrfisch comments: I have never played these games, although I have heard about them. The article seems fairly close to FAC to me, here are some fairly nit-picky suggestions for improvement:
- In the lead, since my understanding is that there are more than one Halos, should this sentence be changed to plural: ...the term "Halo" refers to the Halo megastructure, a large orbital construction, similar to those first popularized... so something like ..the term "Halo" refers to Halo megastructures, which are large orbital constructions, similar to those first popularized...'?
- I think The strong sales of the game series has lead to a massive Halo franchise. should be The strong sales of the game series have led to a massive Halo franchise. (sales are plural, so "sales ... have" sounds better to me, and "led", not "lead")
- Another possible grammar problem in There is also the option to fight with melee attacks using their weapon as a cudgel." - their is plural, but weapon and cudgel are singular
- Might want to identify who calls it the Golden Triangle of Halo in ...forms the "Golden Triangle of Halo" gameplay,[13]...
- A bit choppy here, perhaps could be rewritten to something like Rather than creating entirely new maps and geometry, developer Bungie included a map-editing tool known as the Forge, which enables players to insert game objects, such as weapons and crates, into existing multiplayer maps.[17]
- Generally a good job at writing from an out of universe perspective, and avoiding or explaining jargon. Might want to provide context for the reader in a few places though See WP:PCR - examples
- These rebellions led to the creation of the SPARTAN-II Project by the UNSC in an effort to hold the colonies together. explain SPARTAN-II creates the enahnced soldiers such a Master Chief.
- Another example - mention that the Covenant are aliens at first mention (a militaristic and theocratic alliance of alien races from the article on them). Now they are not identified as aliens until the second phrase of the third sentence about them.
- Another wonky sentence The last SPARTAN-II thought alive, the Master Chief, escapes on the ship Pillar of Autumn to supposedly random coordinates selected by the A.I. Cortana she had obtained from ancient Forerunner hieroglyphs. perhaps the end could be something like ..supposedly random coordinates, which the A.I. Cortana had in fact obtained from ancient Forerunner hieroglyphs.
- Is "Delta Halo" the same as Installation 05? If so, make this clearer please
- Another problem sentence - not sure what it is trying to say exactly The successful assassination of the Prophet leads to the Brutes replacing the Elites as the preferred fighters of the Covenant, [which?] leads to a schism in the ranks.
- Put a date into It also still holds the record for the longest streak as the number one game on Xbox Live. so that in the future this will be clearer (As of April 2008, it still holds the record for...) Sentence needs a ref too - extraordinary claim
- Perhaps change this to Halo Wars is a real time strategy game being developed by Ensemble Studios for the Xbox 360 that takes place in the year 2531, before the events of Halo: Combat Evolved.[32]
- Spin offs and sequels section - could expected release dates be added to make clearer that these are not yet available?
- The whole I love Bees and Iris promtional games(?) section is unclear to me - needs more detail / context. Halo DA is very jargon-y.
- I would identify Douglass C. Perry as the author of the report on IGN. I am unfamiliar with WP:RS for games - is IGN considered reliable?
- I just pointed out examples I found - other places need work so get a copyedit in any case just to catch things missed - or try printing it out and reading it out loud.
Hope this helps, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 21:20, 28 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks, we'll start going through the article (Guyinblack25 talk 23:30, 29 April 2008 (UTC))[reply]